Eye – to – Eye

I am currently sitting in a cute little coffee shop in the heart of Nebraska. It is completely empty, except for this adorable elderly couple who are bopping up and down to the music playing in the background. It is dark out and I can see my reflection in the café window. Its cute and happy. I don’t mind looking up and seeing myself looking back. But that isn’t always the case. I know, at least for me, I sometimes avoid windows and mirrors because I don’t want to look at how bad I look that day.

I am going to change that.

I have begun taking time out of my day to simply look at myself. To stare at my face until I can no longer flinch at the acne or the crooked smile or the messy hair. What I have found was brilliant.

Now, when I see my reflection, I look right at my eyes and only that. I also began to notice that I do the same for others. I focus on their eyes, the essence of who they are, and the door to their soul (or whatever that cliché saying is).

Sure, my hair says I just rolled out of bed. Yes, my clothes betray the fact that I haven’t done laundry in three weeks. My shaking hands admit that Im on my fourth cup of coffee. But my eyes….my eyes show I am determined. My eyes say that I was up all night working hard. My eyes show how proud I am. My eyes admit I am tired. And my eyes shine with the satisfaction of success.

Don’t judge someone’s clothes. Stop noticing who did their hair this morning and who didn’t. Forget about what someone is carrying around or whether they rolled in late or were the first ones present.

Look into their eyes and bask in the stories their eyes tell.

Smells Like Rain…

Sophomore Year:

Here we go again. After a long ass summer, I’m back at college. Single. Broke. And empty. And as depressing as all of the above sounds, Im pretty damn happy! My relationship didn’t work out and my heart broke for the first time. But it was refreshing. I got time to figure myself out and understand that the world keeps on spinning. I worked my butt off this summer and am currently working three jobs while taking classes. And it feels good to be independent and have a steady income. I lost a lot of faith that I had in people and lost a bit of my innocence but am sitting here more open and less attached; just letting the wind blow me and not becoming upset with the direction.

I feel as if I have been waiting for this. Waiting for a time when I was ready to dive forward. Waiting to experience superficial things in life to prepare myself for authenticity. Waiting for the knowledge that comes from experience and waiting for it to water my youth. I have always been ready to grow but needed to wait. And finally….it finally smells like rain.

h a p p y

Isn’t it completely and utterly mind blowing what one person can do to you? How one person can make or break your day. How one person can motivate you or tear you down. How one person can comfort you or leave you. How one person can love you….

Spoiler alert: I am in a relationship. God that sounds weird. About two months ago I went on my second ever date and it went really well. Since then things have still been going well. First ever boyfriend, it’s a big step! hahahaha

It’s a weird adventure though and I am completely unexperienced when it comes to this field. The first time he tried to kiss me, he leaned in close and right before he closed his eyes I said “Oh! I have to pee!” and proceeded to exit the room, leaving the poor man confused and abandoned. I was impressed though, because the next day he asked me out again! I thought I was a goner, that was a close one.

The things he says to me, sometimes the stupidest jokes or the randomness of an early morning text with a cheesy pick up line – they make me smile, uncontrollably. My roommate laughs when she sees my silly smile that only he can put on my face. I’m so happy. So, honestly happy.

And most of all, I don’t think I have ever loved myself as much as I have in these past few months. Not to sound vain or narcissistic. I wake up and leave for classes confident in my skin. My clothes have never felt so good and my face has never smiled so much. My positivity levels have skyrocketed and most days are good. The way he treats me, the things he says to me, and his respect for me makes me respect myself so much more. He compliments my good features and accepts my flaws which makes me want to work even harder to be a better version of myself.

I think this is what being in love is like. Not only am I falling for everything that makes him the man that he is, I am finally accepting and loving myself for the woman I am.

Now! Yes, I know I am young and I haven’t been with him for very long…..but I think I know. I won’t tell him for a while yet, but I am glad I have told myself. It’s scary and exciting and wonderful and gut wrenching and world tipping all at the same time.

I believe it is completely and utterly mind blowing what one person can do to you.

“Just mayo please”

Yikes! Embarrassment. It is a real thing I can assure you. My life, as I have previously noted, is simply a series of awkward and embarrassing moments. But to be completely honest, I love them. Okay – well I don’t love them when they are occurring, I hate that part! I blush, deeply, and its pretty noticeable. Sometimes I let out a few awkward laughs. Or try to play with my phone but never can because my hands are always too sweaty. It always ends with me slipping out of the vicinity in a not so casual way. The worse ones, however, are when I can’t escape. Like today! I worked at a sandwich shop inside the university so everyone I am helping is technically my classmate….and they will probably see me again. It was during a major rush and as I was flying through sandwiches, a very attractive male was next in line. While trying to act cool, beautiful, experienced, young, mysterious, and intelligent all at the same time, I spread Frank’s Red Hot sauce all over his sandwich when he had in fact simply asked for mayo. Yup…..thats my life. Last week I went to work, rushed off to church, and then went over to a family dinner with my friend all the while not knowing I had ripped a giant hole in the crotch of my jeans….But the best one was during a spanish skit in my class on Monday. My group and I were doing a scene on a bus and my line, as the pregnant lady, was suppose to be “My baby is due any minute and I hope I don’t have it on the bus” and instead I told the class full of students that I was “Going to make a baby any minute and I hope it is on this bus”…..thank god my professor is a chill dude and was able to kindly correct my translation.

And although all these situations suck in the moment, I love that I have them. They teach me so much about humility and to be honest, they have made me a much more relaxed person. I know that sooner or later I am gonna mess up or something embarrassing is going to happen. Im always in the wrong place at the wrong time. This knowledge really helps me walk through life carefree since I have come to accept my fate. Being up tight, caring about everyone’s opinion – that is so exhausting.

Side note: I am not encouraging that you seek out awkward situations, don’t! They are embarrassing. But if it happens, it happens. Move on and get over it. I always do

Plus anyways, I look cute when Im blushing

Starstruck

8:13pm.

Okay so I am at the library right now just doing some homework. Well, I should say I am trying to do some homework. There is a guy here who is sitting in the corner and Im kinda starring. Hahaha sorry not sorry? His head is resting on his palm right now and he is chewing on his pen. He has the other hand resting on the keypad of his laptop. He has this really cute jacket draped over his chair and this plastic bag full of highlighters next to him. He looks really smart 🙂 He just leaned back in his chair and kinda rolled his eyes. He is really concentrated and not giving up on whatever he is doing. He has short hair and this kinda scruffy face. Maybe he is a mountain man of sorts? Hahaha He has these white shoes on with the laces untied…very cool style. ohhh he just laughed! it was such a charming laugh – and now he is smiling! His teeth are really white

Shit! I think he just saw me looking!!! Casually trying to look like I am writing some sort of essay or report here. I absolutely love people! Everyone is so interesting and I really wish it wasn’t so socially awkward to stare at people. I could literally people watch as a career.

I wish I knew his name or something. Will probably never see him again at this big university. what a shame. what a shame….

Life…a coin toss?

A recent friend of mine was lamenting over the fact that it would be very difficult for him to make it on to Broadway. He said no matter how good you are, its all about whether or not you get picked up by the right people, “and that is only half something you can control”….

But isn’t the whole world like that? Isn’t everything simply a coin toss, luck of the draw, or choosing the right shooting star?

This is what I mean. I can study my ass off throughout college. I can graduate top of my class, advance further into grad school, and step out into the world an incredibly smart and accomplished individual. But I cannot hire myself….. I cannot guarantee myself a job. I can could go from four year lettered sports jock to a decorated college athlete, but I can not sign myself.

Its always going to be a 50/50 shot. But I don’t believe that means give up nor just throw your hands up and give in to fate. I think that means we have to push and strive our ways to that 50%. Too many people won’t do it. They know its not entirely in their hands so they walk away. They abandon the 50% that IS in their hands. Sure….I cannot hire myself. But I damn sure can better my chances of getting hired! I can make my 50% look pretty legit 🙂

Keep wishing on passing stars.

Call tails once and a while on the coin toss.

Don’t be afraid to pick a card, any card.

And once the card is in your hands, play it!

Don’t ever fold

First day of Classes

So here we are, spring semester. Fresh off of winter break and ready to take on another set of classes. Or so I thought. After a long three weeks off, I was ready to get into a busy schedule. My break had consisted of a few productive days and then weeks of boredom.  Sunday night I arrived back on campus, excited to be back, happy to be independent once again, and ready to start bright and early tomorrow. Thats when my alarm went off and all of my previous excitement slowly oozed its self away. My roommate and I headed down for breakfast around 7:45am and then walked off to our 8:30 class. The day had many ‘moments’ as I have my observed my life to be made up of. For example, my Spanish class. I knew this was going to be a hard one because the course is called “Intensive Spanish Conversation”. So theres that. I walk into this tiny little classroom which later only consists of 12 students and our professor. Class begins and I soon realize that this professor does not speak English. But rather, speaks to us in Spanish and at the speed one would find in an Eminem song. After only 3 minutes of this, a young man in the back stands up and declares “Yeah um…I can’t do this” and proceeds to leave the room. Or how during my Social Psychology class my professor demanded all 160 of us to stand up, remove our coats and hats, turn around, and do several sets of jumping jacks. Needless to say I made it back to my dorm safely and ready to watch some Netflix….until I flipped open my planner. 4.5 hours later, I had almost finished all my homework and wanted nothing more to crawl into my bed and sleep. And thats what I did. At 9:30pm. Thus, my first day back. The expectations I had held about being a morning person and enjoying the long hours of homework were clearly not met. However, there was something satisfying about going to bed completely exhausted from all the hard work you had put in. Sure I may never enjoy waking up early, especially not for my 8am tomorrow morning. And I am sure I will never happily plop down to enjoy hours of homework each night. But I do treasure the end of those days, when I have persevered through it all. As cheesy as that may sound.

After discovering that high school was nothing similar to High School Musical, I was very skeptical heading into college. So far, it has been an endless stream of moments. Mostly awkward ones. Some memorable ones. And others, absolutely beautiful. For the first few weeks, college felt like summer camp. Crowded dorms, late nights, welcome events, and mass feedings. Its a wonderful adventure though. And you meet so many people along the way. Like the dude from the laundry room who told me his entire life story. Or the dining hall woman who detailed her entire hip replacement surgery to me. Or the drunk Packers fan who wanted to make sure I knew how awesome my spin on the bowling ball was. Or the three girls that my roommate and I begged to sit with us so we wouldn’t be alone and how now, we are all best friends. I love the girl I sit by every morning in my communications class even though I never learned her name. I look forward to always seeing the same man at the bus stop and the same boy who saves my seat in my afternoon class even though we have never spoken. I embrace my awkwardness and try to forget the times I saw a nude freshman running down the hall because he forgot his towel, the time I signed up for broom ball and realized I wasn’t actually good at it, or the time my roommate and I dressed up as Pirates in hopes to receive free donuts and then found out we dressed up two days before the actual promotion was happening. I love the nights exploring the strange city with the girls I met in the community bathroom. I love studying with the student who always sits three rows in front of me to the right. I love the strangers. Everywhere. I do not know anyone and am unfamiliar with everything…and I love it. I love the late, late nights completing homework I had three weeks to do and I love the gallons of coffee I have to consume in order to enjoy the rest of the day. I love mixing everything in the fridge to try and make a smoothie. I love a dorm room smelling like fresh Ramen Noodles. I love the random phone calls from parents making up some reason for calling when they really just want to talk. I love the letters from those back home that stay in touch. I love the worry of the future because that means I know I have one.

I am beginning to see why it is these four years that are awarded the best…It really couldn’t get much better than this. (…now only if I wasn’t so damn broke…)

Thoughts @11:45pm

“Millions saw the apple fall, but Newton asked why.”

Newton asked why. Publicly. What if one of the million people who also saw the apple fall asked why, to himself? What if they spent countless nights researching, experimenting, and searching for an answer? I give 100% credit to Mr. Isaac Newton for his great find and his incredible knowledge. But what if someone else knew everything he did….before he did? What if someone wrote a better version of Romeo and Juliet, before Shakespeare was even born, and never shared it? What if Beethoven’s symphony was written by someone else who never published it? What if every single first time world record had already been completed by someone in the shadows?

How many people live on planet earth? If there are 7.3 billion people in the world, think of how many hidden prodigies there must be! Sure there are good musicians that you know of and that’s because they became known. Think of all the people who are just as good but haven’t become known!

Why care? Because it adds to the adventure and the thrill of life. Think of all the people you meet in a day. At your job. At school. While on the subway. At the neighborhood café. What if you met someone smarter than Einstein last night? What would you say if you knew the woman next to you in the elevator had written more sonnets than every poet combined? What if people knew what you could do? It would be as if you were meeting a celebrity every where you went. You could walk around as if famous yourself. You could meet the person who actually deserves the award someone else was given. You could meet someone who the rest of the world will never even know existed even though their accomplishments are a huge sensation contributed to someone else.

What if Isaac Newton wasn’t the first one to ask why, what if he isn’t the one we should remember?

The Reckless

It was late friday night and i was standing around in a parking lot lit up by two old street lights. Three friends stood near me as we talked. One of them grabbed a rickety black cart sitting near the dumpster. Soon, we were planning on racing around on the pavement with the cart. When asked who wanted to ride atop of the cart, one of my friends began to leave and said, “no thank you! I value my life too much to do that.”

Does the zeal for adventure or a thrill therefore classify one as ungrateful for their life?

If so, then answer this,

Person #1 goes about their life, carefully avoiding any chance of risk or accident and conserves their life.They skip potentially amazing experiences in order to keep their life in tact.

Person #2, risks their life on a daily bases. They live for the thrill, they enjoy the adventure, they explore the impossible.

Which one valued their life more? When person #1 dies, will they convince themselves that they lived their life to its full potential? Or will they regret not taking the chances person #2 took?
We are humans. There are so many incredibly insane things that we can do. Why waste that potential? Why bottle up that talent for fear of getting a scratch?
I rode on top of that cart that night. And as my friend ran behind pushing me around the lot, i felt sorry for the girl who denied the opportunity. She missed out on the cool breeze flying into my face. She missed out on the laughter coming from my friend pushing me. She missed out on the thrill of letting go and throwing your hands out with that dangerous feeling bouncing around in your gut. She missed out on the uncertainty of not knowing if I would make it around or end up face down on the pavement. And when when I jumped off the cart, breathless, I felt regret for her. Nothing could have compared to looking into our eyes, filled with excitement and accomplishment, yearning to do it all over again.
I believe that the reckless have a point. If we are only given one life, why would we sit around and guard it? I believe we were given one life in order that we should use it. See how far it can go. Test the human body. Explore the level of courage. For when I reach Heaven, I hope to tell God, “You gave me one life, and I did everything I could with it.”

The reckless are not stupid, nor ungrateful. The reckless are the ones who understand how much a life is worth. And they act accordingly.